NFL: Week 2 In Review-AFC
Part 2 review of the NFL teams heading into week 3. Porkboy and I tackle the AFC
AFC EAST
NYJ
FP: Someday Jets fans will look back at this 2-0 start and think…WTF happened?
PB: A new tough head coach, I’d like to see him fight Tom Cable…his daddy taught him how to punch! USC QB’s have had a lot of success in the NFL right? No?
NE
FP: It’s over Johnny, it’s over.
PB: Hmmm this game is a lot tougher when you don’t have the other team’s signs and know what defense the other team is in and when they are blitzing!
BUF
FP: Fantasy world, meet Fred Jackson.
PB: So you fire the O-coordinator a week before the season because he was passing too much out of the no huddle offense? What did you think…he was going to run a draw play 20 times? Oh o, popcorn boy is not happy.
MIA
FP: I’d really like to BBQ some day with Tony Sparano, I bet he knows how to grill a sausage.
PB: Parcells always has a big turnaround in his first season, and then they play below .500 in the next. If the Jets didn’t give them Pennington they wouldn’t have won 5 games last year.
AFC NORTH
BAL
FP: Best team in the NFL right now? Cam Cameron = great O coordinator/sucky HC.
PB: To say that Ozzie Newsome doesn’t get enough credit, is to say that Baltimore doesn’t have a lot of white trash…stop wearing that purple camo to work people!
PIT
FP: If Pauly Shore, I mean Jeff Reed gets cut, my only hope is he never ends up in DC, is he the biggest tool in the NFL?
PB: The fact that Dennis Green passed on Big Ben in the draft when he was in Arizona should be celebrated every year in Pittsburgh with a parade in Green’s honor. No wonder your doing beer adds, jackass!
CIN
FP: This team should be 2-0 right now, and if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle.
PB: Wow, you brought Roy Williams to shore up that defense, Roy don’t let anybody get behind you in the last minute of a game,…Roy?…Roy? What is Stokely doing in the end zone?
CLE
FP: What happened to my fantasy sleeper pick James Davis? Is he sleeping?
PB: How did this team get worse? Oh, is it Mangini? Has anybody noticed that any coach coming from the Belichick coaching tree sucks when they aren’t cheating?
AFC SOUTH
IND
FP: I love to see a white guy with #44 sprinting down the field…#47 works to!
PB: Peyton has now figured out how to do commercials and play a game at the same time. Did you see him and Tiger? That’s the next Nike or Gatorade commercial.
HOU
FP: The 22 Swinging Dicks are reporting Steve Slaton as MIA.
PB: They will go as far as a healthy Matt Schaub will take them, so about 7-9.
JAC
FP: The Del Rio/Garrard years are similar to the Turner/Frerotte years.
PB: What happens to WR’s who go to this town? Waffle houses must be bad for a pro athlete’s diet…who’s the TE playing QB?
TEN
FP: This team actually faces a must win in week 3, I’d give it to Johnson 30 times.
PB: They now have a wide open offense, just in time for the defense to fall apart. Vince Young will get another chance this year…not at suicide, I’m talking about QB.
AFC WEST
DEN
FP: Ugliest 2-0 team out there, what’s going on with the offense?
PB: Congrats to the new Ohio State Champions…who’s next Akron? Kent St?
SD
FP: Norv Turner, then man can be defined in numbers, 8-8.
PB: The Charger must look around their division and laugh, “he punched who?” They traded who?” The paid how much for the backup QB who couldn’t start at USC?”
OAK
FP: Do the fans still paint themselves and dress up for this team?
PB: What’s it like to work there? The guy from the creep show runs meetings with an overhead projector from 1976…it would be funny if it weren’t so sad. Jamarcus loves the drive thru!
KC
FP: I once took a dump on a canoe trip that was so awesome it had a name…this team reminds me of that dump.
PB: There leading receiver last week was a guy they signed off the street? How’s that Matt Cassel thing working out for you?
Cheers and Hail
NFL: Week 2 In Review-NFC
Remember when Joe Gibb’s came back to the Redskins and the first thing he did was recruit Greg Williams to be his D-coordinator? Well, when I started this blog the first thing I did was recruit Porkboy to write for me. Nearly a year later, I’ve gotten 2 posts from him. He’s back to join me for our Week 2 NFL review…see what you’ve been missing from his warped (and awesome) sense of humor. (AFC drops later today)
NFC EAST
NYG
FP: I’m still waiting for the alien that took over Eli Manning’s body 2 years ago to go back to it’s homeland…what happened to 2 picks and a fumble?
PB: Why does Eli always have that look? You know the confused dog look? Like when your dog walks in on you while your spanking the monkey!
PHI
FP: I read where the Eagles don’t know who their 2nd string QB is…Garcia or Vick…isn’t their #2 Kolb?
PB: I’ve never seen such a buzz about a 3rd string QB (Vick), the Eagles trophy case is as empty as Al Capone’s Vault!!
DAL
FP: Wade Phillips shows an amazing amount of emotion on FG kicks.
PB: The true signs of a Wade Phillips team: lead the league in turn overs, penalties and times you lose a game scoring 30+ points. Was that Mike Holmgen in the owner’s box?
WAS
FP: Zorn hasn’t even begun to break into his bag of trickery, wait till he breaks out the Fred Davis reverse play again!
PB: You know your slipping when the Lions are happy your coming to town…Mike Shanahan please pick up the white phone!
NFC NORTH
MIN
FP: 2-0 on the road to start the season, a good thing since Favre’s record in dome stadiums ssssucks!
PB: With this team only a really bad screw up in a playoff game will ruin their Super Bowl chances…oh wait who’s that #4 in purple?
GB
FP: My team of destiny has a hiccup last week, they will score more than 9 points in the first quarter vs. the Rams.
PB: I love this team and their potential…just as long as they don’t lose home games to teams like the Bengals?!
CHI
FP: Jay Cutler is developing a Bubby Brister vibe to me.
PB: Cutler will create a power shift in this division, unless his best receiver is a defensive back. Oh well, maybe they can just grab a guy he went to school with and make a star out of him.
DET
FP: The Lions haven’t won since 2007, just make sure Moss is in on punt returns this week.
PB: New audible that Matthew Stafford learned this week when Calvin Johnson is covered by DeAngelo Hall – YIIPPEEEEEEEEEEE!
NFC SOUTH
ATL
FP: So, I didn’t factor in the Tony Gonzales effect when drafting Roddy White so high this season.
PB: Proof that Parcells is a genious, he passed on Matt Ryan for a big ten tackle? I’m not saying Ryan and Gonzales are getting close, but they share a snuggy on road trips.
NO
FP: Bush has 17 carries for 47 yards so far, and as many negative carries as positive ones. Dare I say that I could do just as good?
PB: Brees says the first one to 45 wins…with that defense the offense has to hustle.
TB
FP: This team is like a seasoned porno star, there’s a lot of playing from behind.
PB: They lost all those games down the stetch last season because of the defense, so they hire the youngest defensive coach to be the head coach…how’s that working out for you?
CAR
FP: The sad part is Carolina has no “era” to look forward to. It’s either the Matt Moore or A.J. Feeley era.
PB: With great RB’s and a decent defense, all Jake has to do is not turn it over more than 3 times…can he do that? I don’t think so.
NFC WEST
SF
FP: Ex-Terp Shaun Hill is 9-3 as a starter; nothing flashy…just gets the j-o-b done, like a doctor.
PB: Gore making Singletary look like a good coach, what, are you surprised a team that charges their players for Gatorade and fan mail didn’t sign their first round pick?
SEA
FP: Hasselbeck may play despite a broken rib, this happens when your backup is Seneca Wallace.
PB: They say its Hasselbecks ribs, I say it’s his back again, backs never get better…and neither does Jim Mora!
ARI
FP: Well, maybe Warner now looks like the 08 version instead of the 04 version.
PB: The Cards are out to prove that they are as good as last year, 9-7!
STL
FP: I’m thinking that Marc Bulger is not going to last much longer behind that O-line.
PB: If they would have done…or if they just…oh hell this team will be lucky to be 4-12.
Cheers and Hail
Hate Mail
Some crazy person emailed me this picture…with threats of also having her father streak naked thru Fed Ex field…some serious and scary shit I’m dealing with. Look, if you see someone driving around VA with this tag approach with caution…the driver may appear cute and harmless but is obviously mentally challenged. This is what happens when you are raised by a Mongoloid. I do have to give props…it’s very clever. Now all you Dallas fans should rush out and get a tag that really personifies the 2009 Cowboys. I recommend:
6W-10L
Porkboy: Pork Knows Best
I know, I know, you’ve all been waiting to hear my opinion on the Jay Cutler dust up. Well I decided to wait until this became a proper boil. It’s now a proper boil. I love a young punk who won’t even return the owners calls… but the young punk is right. All Josh McDaniels had to do was say ” sorry I made a play for my guy, but now it’s me and you for the next decade.” LIE A LITTLE !!! As a coach you are a people manager, do and say what it takes to get the most out of your people. That’s your job young Josh…. all Cutler needed to hear was “you’re my man, this trade stuff is over.”
Young Josh just couldn’t do that, his ego was take it or leave it. I expect Cutler to be a spoiled brat, he’s a young NFL QB, it’s is all he knows. As a coach you have to rise above it, spank those that need spanked and stroke those that need stroked.
All Cutler said he wanted was a commitment, that is all any of us want.
Whats even funnier was that after Mcdaniels told Cutler that “I can’t promise you it wont happen again,” he then made the statement that Jay needs to be fully committed to the Broncos!
I’m not saying Cutler is the greatest QB around, but in a league where half the teams don’t have a quality starter you can’t just throw one away. People love to talk about his record as a starter, but he’s 16 -1 in games where he starts and the defense allows 22 points or less. It’s the defense that has let the Broncos down the last couple of years…. and take a look at the RB situation he had last year.
Sometimes things just need the smell test… do you think Matt Cassel is better than Cutler? Or worth more money? If you answered like I think, you are all ready smarter than young Josh.
As a Belichick disciple young Josh definitely has got the part down about being a pompous ass. I will never forget Bill running Bernie Kosar out of town in Cleveland. Cutting him mid season while Vinny Testraverde was hurt, Bill had to start a third string QB…just to show who was boss. All the Belichick coaching tree has given us is a lot of duds and losses (Sabian, Weiss, Crennel.) I guess when you don’t have Tom Brady and you can’t cheat any more… it gets a little tough!
Another smell test, will the Broncos be better this year without Jay Cutler ?
One last rant!! The Tampa Bay Bucs hire a guy because he listens to the same music as the players? WTF?! The Bucs folded last year because the defense gave up when they heard their beloved coach was going to join his son in Tennessee. So you promote one of the defensive coaches who couldn’t talk his guys into tackling anyone wearing a Raiders F&*ing uniform!!Gruden was sunk when he went to a team that gave up 2 #1 picks and 2nd Rd picks to get him, and don’t forget the 2 #1′s to get Keyshawn. That’s 6 very important picks and the future of your team. He actually should get credit for being competitive with Jeff Garcia, Chris Simms, and for making Antonio Bryant million$$.
THIS GUY WON A SUPER BOWL WITH BRAD JOHNSON AND KEENAN MCCARDELL.
And for the best news I’ve heard in weeks…..bacon flavored chap stick !!!!
Fatpickle And Porkboy: We Speak In Movie Quotes
Porkboy came into Florida this weekend to surprise me for my Bday. We’ve taken advantage of this time “brainstorming” for ideas related to the website, blog, and t-shirts. The brainstorming sessions produced little ideas other than ordering pizza, making sure we have enough beer, and plotting a trip to Bare Assets. However, we realize when we talk we incorporate movie quotes into the conversation quite often. Not just to each other, but in our jobs and everyday life. Here is a list of movie quotes (sports movies only, we do use many more from non sports movies) that we use nearly everyday. Also, we did not list any Ted Knight or Rodney Dangerfield quotes from Caddyshack, because we use nearly every damn one of them.
“Noonan!” - Caddyshack- Used mainly when an opposing team’s kicker lines up for a FG. Also effective for free throws or a friendly game of h-o-r-s-e. “Akers lines up for a 43yd attempt, MISS IT, NOONAN, MISS, NOONAN!”
“Jobu needs a refill”-Major League- I need another beer. “honey do you need anything from the kitchen…well, Jobu needs a refill.”
“We’re going to sizzler”-White Men Can’t Jump- Awesome to say when you get a small victory. Like when your energy bill is $20 dollars less than you thought it would be, or Totino’s pizzas are on special at the grocery store. “I just won the office march madness pool, we’re going to sizzler.”
“I think it could be gravy”-Caddyshack- When your favorite team takes the momentum in a game, or you look at their remaining schedule and see nothing but wins. “we got Dallas at home then SanFran on the road, I think it could be gravy.”
“You remember the last time I stick it in you?”-Rounders- Great to pull out when your playing your buddy’s in cards or PlayStation. “wanna play Madden? sure…but do you remember the last time when I stick it in you?” (this also requires the imitation of John Malkovich air humping)
“Help me baby Jesus, help me Tom Cruise”-Talladega Nights- When something in your day goes wrong, like the copier is jammed or your courtesy flush is coming up, not going down! “help me baby Jesus, help me Tom Cruise!”
“gravy train with biscuit wheels”-Kingpin- The guy who has all the luck on his side, the guy who does nothing at work, yet gets promotions and raises. “Mike has been on a 3 hour lunch break, and no one even cares…he’s on the gravy train with biscuit wheels.”
“I wake up in the morning and just piss excellence”-Talladega Nights- Always fun to break out when you succeed at work, like selling some windows and siding to some tight ass. “hey Porkboy, nice job on that Johnson account…well you know when I wake up in the morning I just piss excellence.”
“nananananananana”-Caddyshack-Eveyone says it and we all use it for nearly everything. Like when your trying to write a blog post and your computer wants to lock up on you. “F me, are you kidding me…I’m almost finished…come on, nananananananana.”
Do you use different quotes in your day to day? Let us know in the comments.
Cheers and Hail
Posted by fatpickle Date: Sunday, March 8, 2009
Categories: Fatpickled, Porkboy
Tags: Greatest Movies, Porkboy, quotes
Porkboy46: Man Oh Manning
“Yep, looks like things are winding down here, let’s move up that Enzyte commercial”This time of year is tough for many NFL players and coaches. Their seasons over much sooner than they had hoped or planned…but for one guy this is the time of year he lives for, it is his true passion! Now that the season is over, Peyton Manning can get to work selling anything and everything! Now, don’t get me wrong he usually will spend the first couple of days blaming his teammates, blaming the officials, and blaming the gosh darn league! (I actually love the last one, one of the rules he always whined about not getting called, illegal contact down field, was one of the calls that doomed his team on that final drive, Ha Ha)
But after those 2 days, its right to work selling everything from Oreos to Visa to Gatorade to Sony. I’m sick of seeing his Frankenstein face! My guess is he’s already made 4 or 5 commercials this week! If he wanted to make some real money how about renting out that billboard he calls a forehead!
The one thing that really burns my ass was Dungy’s retirement press conference. Where was the All-Pro Quarterback? Probably licking an Oreo, too bad he couldn’t lick Norv Turner! Take time out from being in front of the camera and see off the man who won you a title! Yeah that’s right, Tony won you a title, not the other way around. You did your usual playoff routine of throwing more pickles than TD’s and his defense carried you!
Well on to other things, like …..Eli
It’s so great that the Eli that I know and love came back to us! Now all we have to figure out is, who was that impostor that played for the Giants last January? I love seeing Eli make throws that make every one say “WHAT THE F WAS THAT? ” My favorite part is when he gets that look on his face while he walks to the sideline like a kid that’s wondering why his dog shit in his lunch bag!!
(watch imitation by Colt Brennan below)
Don’t get me wrong, they are both better than Tony “Entertainment Tonight” Romo! That poor bastard is starting to look a lot like Jim “Chris” Everett
Finally, I saw a lot of the adds “keep gym class”…. are they getting rid of it? I think gym class is so great they need to give it to adults at work! How great would that be, if the french can get their “drink on” at lunch, why can’t we play a little dodge ball or Frisbee football?
Imagine the half hour before lunch, getting to play kickball or stick ball, that would be sweet! Sign me up !
the other white meat
