Long Ding
Last week the Jacksonville Jaguars worked out a kicker with an interesting name.
Jacksonville worked out kickers Long Ding, who was trying to become the first Chinese-born player to make an NFL roster, and Jay Wooten. But they declined to sign either.
I was disappointed Ding wasn’t able to penetrate the Jaguars roster. Perhaps Dan Snyder should sign Ding to the Redskins so he can finally have a Long Ding. As you can see from the last 2 sentences the possibilities for shtick are endless.
“Long Ding is off to the left”
“Long Ding has been working hard all off-season”
“Long Ding hits it deep into the end zone”
“Long Ding rises to the occasion again”
“Long Ding comes up limp”
“Long Ding blocked from scoring”
“Long Ding getting loose on the sidelines”
It’s ironic that Ding is Chinese…“long” goes against Chinese typecast. Please feel free to add your shtick in the comments section.
Cheers and Hail
The NFL CBA/Lockout For Dummies
Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies!
Collective bargaining, decertifying, lock outs and lawsuits…it’s hard for the common man/woman to make heads or tails of the current NFL situation. Well, you can do 1 of 2 things. First, you can hire yourself a Philadelphia lawyer to review all of the lawsuit documents, memos and press releases and still not grasp wtf is going on. Or, I recommend your second choice…let me translate the various legal terms and quotes from NFL sources for you. Ladies and gentlemen, the NFL CBA for Dummies.
Topic: NFLPA union decertifies
Translation: F you we’re out of here. You want to play dirty…we’ll play dirty.
Topic: NFL owners lock out players
Translation: You can’t break up with me, I came here to break up with you…and it’s my house so your stuff is sitting on the curb and I changed the locks. Don’t call me, don’t text me and don’t sleep with my friends.
Topic: NFLPA asks NFL for 10 years of audited financial statements
Translation: This is the equivalent of asking your wife for a random BJ on a Tuesday afternoon. You know this is never going to happen but you have to float the idea just to feel good about the fact that you at least you tried. Cheers to you Mr. BJ asker man.
Topic: NFL Owners don’t want financial statements made public do to possible embarrassment
Translation: Dan Snyder wants no one, I repeat no one to know how much $$$ he has paid Vinny Cerrato to be a “consultant” the past year and half. He also has no interest in publicly disclosing how much Redskins $$$ he is funneling to Johnny Rockets, Dick Clark Productions or his legal fund against the Washington City Paper.
Topic: Roger Goodell announces he’ll reduce his salary to $1.
Translation: This is a PR move, I can afford it and I’m making a $1 more than the players!
Topic: Players file lawsuit against the NFL led by Tom Brady and Vincent Jackson
Translation: Our lawsuit has great hair and a drinking problem!
Topic: Both the NFL and the players say we’ll have a 2011 season
Translation: The makeup sex is going to be great!
My name is Fatpickle, I’m for the players and I approved this message! Let em play!
Cheers and Hail
The Urban Dictionary For NFL Coaches
While doing research for a new post tonight I stumbled upon this post from 2009 and realized that nothing I could write tonight would be as good as this…I hope you enjoy this repost.
If it’s on the Internet it must be true, right? Sometimes I enjoy searching the Urban Dictionary for fun definitions, a Cincinatti Traffic Jam is still one of my favorites. So I decided to search the UD for the definitions of all 32 NFL head coaches. The results of what I found are below, you have the definitions, along with the proper use of each coaches name in a sentence. Feel free to incorporate the lingo in your day to day vocabulary. I mean, I spend every Sunday trying to not end up Sean Paytoning myself!
Tom Coughlan - a code word for a girl’s period.
My girls been giving me a ration of s*&# all day, she must be on her Tom Couglan.
Andy Reid - Fat, overweight, or obese
Rick’s dropped 30 pounds and he’s still Andy Reid.
Wade Phillips - slang term for marijuana meaning “weed”.
They say 70% of the NBA tests positive for Wade Phillips.
Jim Zorn - A slang term used to discreetly refer to a man’s erection.
I’ve got to sit here at my desk for a minute or two, I had a Jim Zorn pop up on me.
Brad Childress - One that is in sync with his/her “bitches and hoes”
I’ve totally got my Brad Childress working with Halle Berry & Jennifer Anniston.
Lovie Smith - A person who does not leave and does not understand the word no.
Megan Fox has told Fatpickle to get lost a thousand times, but he’s still Lovie Smithing her.
Mike McCarthy - to fail, screw up or mess up
I can’t believe we found a way to Mike McCarthy this game up.
Jim Schwartz - Anyone who has the knack for working on any project and making it turn out like crap.
Did you see the proposal Rich did for the meeting? He totally Jim Schwartz’d it.
Sean Payton - excess alcohol consumption, resulting in shitting of the pants.
Had to throw away my boxers last night, that last lemon drop made me Sean Payton.
Mike Smith - Loser with a hairy ass and nice titties and a small penis.
Rush Limbaugh is Mike Smith.
John Fox - a person who uses the services of a prostitute
I’m going to log onto to Craig’s list and see if I can get my John Fox on.
Raheem Morris - To simultaneously sneeze and s*&#.
Ahh, ahh, ahh, chooo. Oh no! I Raheem Morris’d!
Mike Singletary - To take a s*&# on somebody’s forehead and wake them up quickly.
Common Johnny wake up! The fish are biting! If you’re not up in 5 minutes I’m going to Mike Singletary you.
Ken Whisenhunt - Barbie’s plastic bitch.
Derek can’t do anything anymore; his girl treats him like Ken Whisenhunt.
Jim Mora - To take a talented and winning core of players and coach them into a miserable season.
Who does this Norv Turner think he is…Jim Mora?
Steve Spagnolo - A visible thong on a woman above her jeans/shorts
Look at that smoking hot girl right there, I see a red Steve Spagnolo peeking out.
Rex Ryan - A man with an 11 incher who picks up a lot of milfs at the library.
Eric tapped another hot milf last night, the guys becoming a regular Rex Ryan!
Bill Belichick - Cheater, Fraud, Led the New England Patriots to 3 Tainted Super Bowl Championships.
Mr. Snyder I’ve found the answer to turn things around, the answer is cheating…and we need Bill Belichick as an “extra set of eyes.”
Tony Sparano - a great man, a horny bastard though
I hope on my tombstone it reads “here lays Tony Sparano”
Dick Jauron - An adjective to describe a guy who is a jerk or does mean and stupid things.
Dan Snyder has run this franchise into the ground by being a total Dick Jauron.
Marvin Lewis - The act of dick slapping or hitting a woman with your penis.
Do you think Obama’s gives the first lady a Marvin Lewis?
John Harbaugh - Randomly adding people on facebook that you have never met in real life, especially girls that write on your friend’s walls.
I don’t know who this freak is trying to be friend me on Facebook, do you know John Harbaugh?
Mike Tomlin - To do a Tomlin involves the individual concerned struggling with his or her latent longing for sex with their own gender to such an extent that a mental breakdown occurs.
Do you recall 2 seasons ago when T.O. had that Mike Tomlin?
Eric Mangini – a camel toe
Look at the hot chick in the spandex…can you say Eric Mangini?
Jim Caldwell - to describe yourself or someone with a large penis.
Looks like that Visanthe Shiancoe is smuggling a Jim Caldwell.
Jack Del Rio - To masturbate
I don’t know about you, but I can’t function on my day off till I Jack Del Rio.
Gary Kubiak – An a-hole.
You know Rick from accounting is a total Gary Kubiak.
Jeff Fisher - The art of burping and farting at the same time.
I love the chili from Ben’s Chili Bowl, but it always gives me the Jeff Fishers.
Josh Mcdaniels - Getting a hand job.
Well..honey, can I at least get a Josh McDaniels?
Norv Turner - Used to describe the pinnacle of dysfunctional head coaching abilities conversationally
Dan Snyder hired Zorn because he thought he was the next Norv Turner.
Tom Cable - To take a shit
Call the plumber, I just laid a Tom Cable that won’t go down.
Todd Haley – The wet spot in a bed.
Let’s do it over here, I don’t want to sleep on the Todd Haley all night.
Cheer and Hail
Posted by fatpickle Date: Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Categories: NFL
Tags: head coaches, urban dictionary
Knee Problems?
Did Jay Cutler quit on his team? I don’t know for sure. Is Jay Cutler’s knee really F’d up? I hope so…for his reputation’s sake. The above picture is of Doug Williams wrecking his knee in Super Bowl XXII against the Broncos. The Skins were trailing 10-0 and things weren’t looking very good. He sat out 2 plays and then came back to direct the Skins to 35 2nd quarter points. He couldn’t attend the post game party and had surgery a few days later. Doug Williams was the man. Sorry Bears fans…I wonder where Jay Cutler’s partying tonight?
Theismann Purchases UFL Team
When Rob Lunn aka The Fat White Guy texted me the above picture last Saturday my first reaction was, damn my blogging friends have way cooler jobs than I do. My second thought was, why is Joe T at a UFL game in Hartford? Well, come to find out Theismann was there to be announced as the new owner and President of the Florida Tuskers.
I’ve been watching a few UFL games and living in Florida I naturally gravitated towards the Tuskers. Now, every Redskins fan has a UFL team to pull for (although next year Virginia will have a team with Doug Williams as the GM). The Tuskers have more Redskins ties than just Theismann. Bobby Beathard’s son Kurt is the teams running backs coach and the kicker for the Tuskers is Mr. Cowboy killer himself, Nick Novak. The team is loaded with former NFL players, most notably QB Brooks Bollinger and LB Odell Thurman. The Tuskers Head Coach and GM is Jon Gruden’s brother Jay.
You can see the Tuskers and all UFL games on HDNET.
Cheers and Hail
